It was a really hard day at work for me yesterday. It wasn’t because of any real work-related things. But I guess I’ve been going through a tough time lately.

The night before, I had gotten into something with a good friend of mine. So when I came into work this morning, I was not only tired, but emotionally drained as well. I told myself to stay strong, and focus on work. Miraculously, I was able to do that, until this one song by Losing Daylight came on (the one below). And I guess, it just kind of hit home with me, and I started to cry at my desk. I went to the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see, and when I came back out, Sarah was coming to get me to go into a meeting with Mark. She could tell that something was wrong and so she asked him to postpone the meeting for an hour or so.

We went outside to talk, and I told her about what had happened. And at the end of it, I was ready to hear the typical advice that usually comes when I find myself in situations like this. It’s usually one of my friends taking my side.. saying what the other person did was bad, etc because that’s probably what they think I want.. But that’s not what I wanted to hear, because in this situation, I didn’t feel like there were any sides to be taken. But what Sarah said both surprised me and comforted me at the same time.

She told me, that all I could really do was to give it time and to pray that God can give me and my friend strength to work through this. Part of me, wanted to reject what she said. I didn’t want to wait. I’m an impatient person and I’ve always wanted things to be resolved as quickly as possible. And surrendering control of this situation to God, made me feel even more helpless than I already did.

But I thought about it throughout the day, and I realized that, my reluctance to wait is really part of what created the situation in the first place. Throughout the beginning of my relationship with my friend, I had always wanted to become close to him. But I think I thought about the end result more than I thought about the actual process of getting to know someone. And I think that caused a lot of problems for us.

Last year, he went away for some time. And during that time I went through a range of different emotions. I was sad and angry and grateful and everything else in between. I wasn’t really sure how to feel. I thought a lot about why his time away caused me to have these feelings… and I realized, not for the first time, that he was really important to me. Him, as a person. And suddenly, the time away, although had caused some hurt feelings, just didn’t matter as much. I knew I cared about him, and what was more important was that he was doing alright.

When he came back, we started off cautiously. But after a while, things eased up a bit and I felt we were getting closer. I was really glad to have him back in my life. And I felt infinitely happier because I felt our friendship had grown a lot deeper and was a lot healthier than it ever was. I trust him with myself and my feelings and my thoughts, which I can’t say I can really do with anyone else I know to the same extent.

But while things were going fine with this friendship, things were falling apart with another. A friend of mine really hurt my feelings, and I guess made me feel… slightly disillusioned and insecure. I had trusted him as a friend, and felt I knew where I stood with him. But things happened to make me feel that that was no longer true. I think, it was a real blow to me, because I had felt such a bond with him… and now I just wasn’t sure about it anymore. I had so many doubts. And I carried them over to my other friendships as well.

This insecurity isn’t really anything new. Deep down inside, I’ve always been afraid of an emotional imbalance between me and my friends. I didn’t want to be the person who cared more for someone else, because I would be the one who got hurt in the long run. And while that insecurity may still be there for some relationships I have, there were a select few that it didn’t affect anymore. But what had happened brought it all back. And suddenly, I felt myself feeling a little more guarded, fearful that the other person just didn’t care as much. I didn’t want to get hurt.

So Sunday night, I brought it up with my friend. I’m not sure what I was really looking to find, or what I really wanted from him. I guess the logical part of me just wanted him to know how I had been feeling, and the scared part of me wanted some type of reassurance that he cared. But, I was hasty in explaining my feelings to him, and I’m afraid it caused a lot more trouble than it did good. My fears were not based on anything with foundation to begin with, at least not with him. But I think, bringing it up might have made it seem like they did.

Feeling scared and guarded didn’t help one bit either. I ran around what I really wanted to say. I couldn’t really express how I was feeling. And when I think back on what I had said… it just came out all wrong. I wish I could take my words back and really do it right, but I can’t. I just ended up hurting a good friend of mine. And as things stand now, I might even lose him.

And all because I couldn’t wait to think things through. I just jumped at the chance to tell him. I wanted some type of immediate relief from this fear. But that was selfish of me. So selfish. And now things have been ruined. I only really have one chance to make things right. So, I’m taking Sarah’s advice… I’m gonna take my time.. and I’m gonna pray. And hopefully it’ll be enough to help us get through this.